Wolverine: X-Men Oranges (Smaltz Review)

Dir: Gavin 'in da' Hood

Starring: Hugh Jass, man! Will.I.Am

Part two of this Smaltz-review-a-thon is, in a way, the most intriguing. Not the film itself necessarily but the stories of studio interference, on set re-writes and it then being leaked at only 75% complete.

This, followed by very mixed reviews from cinema goers and comic book fans, left Smaltz a little unsure what to expect. The opening sequences of the film do little to rectify this. Flashy action sequences (though technically very good) do little to draw the viewer (namely, SMALTZ!) in.

Thankfully this is setup is to contrast with Logan’s desire for a quiet life which is filled with gorgeous Canadian scenery. Obviously this doesn’t last very long and soon he’s growling at his brother, his former commander and an oriental chap with guns.

Surprisingly the romantic interest that drives him to this is moving and handled well with Mr Jackman making sure you care what happens to him. In fact he carries the film on those burley shoulders very commendably and is undoubtedly the main reason to keep watching, he really does seem to care for this character and it shows.

The main complaint for comic book fans seems to be the interpretation of Deadpool and the many abilities he shouldn’t have. Smaltz knows nothing of this but has an interest in these sorts of films so it’s an interesting place to be watching from. The character certainly provides a menacing adversary but as with many super hero films there are a lot of characters that aren’t given enough screen time and he is one of them.

Another is fan favourite Gambit, it’s a good piece of casting but only for about 20 minutes screen time.

All in all Smaltz was pleasantly surprised. The film is quite tidy with spectacular stunts although some post-production effects are less convincing. The central character is as appealing as ever and it all just about puts everything in place for the original X-Men films, albeit in a sometimes contrived way. If you like the earlier films then this is worth a look although it does lack the weight that Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen brought to the series.

Good

Toy Story

Dir: John Lassetter
Starring: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen
Year: 1995

Has it been almost 15 years already?! I remember the release of Toy Story like it was yesterday, but in Narry Borman's 724 year-long life (and counting), 15 years is a mere blip.

NB's going through something of a Disney phase right now. I find it it purifying. Animation (generally) doesn't disturb you, but it does entertain you. In particular, the works of Ghibli and Disney are obvious but unbeatable selections in the world of cartoon creations.

Anyway, Toy Story is probably about the biggest/most popular Disney film ever (or is that The Lion King? tough call). This is my first viewing since I saw it on release.

Generally, it's held up well, although massive advances in computer graphics technology have left Toy Story looking a bit ropy in places (especially when compared with last week's film, Wall-E).

The story and script also had a few dated 90's moments but still makes you laugh and, yes, cry (that's you, Smaltz, you crybaby), and it certainly hasn't lost that indefinable Disney magic.

NB's taste tends to verge towards the handdrawn animation of Disney rather than the computer generated stuff, which is comparitively lacking in soul if you ask me. All the same, Toy Story is...

Good!

Wall-E

Dir: Andrew Stanton
Starring: Jeff Garlin (from Curb Your Enthusiasm)

Another Pixar production from the director of Finding Nemo. NB saw this on Blu-Ray and visually it's stunning. A little bit too stunning. It looks and feels like a technical demo for the first half. It doesn't help that there is no, or little, dialog for the first 30 minutes. It's a bold move, respect due, but it doesn't quite work.

Things really kick off when Wall-E goes to space. This is where it peaks visually too. It kind of reminds me of Prince Joe Cool in Space, that short story classic. Wall-E can grasp at the stars.

The story really gets going when Wall-E and the fate of humanity are tied together thru the existence of a plant. Jeff Garlin plays the overweight, under-educated leader of nation of humans addicted to entertainment.

The analogies and predictions for the future are a bit contrived (particularly the Adam and Eve thing, and the 'we're all becoming fat and destroying the environment' motif) but still worthy.

I didn't quite take to it as others would becuase I didn't feel anyting for Wall-E, but it's an entertaining film with the usual Pixar quality of production.

Good!

Shine

Dir: Scott Hicks
Starring: Geoffrey Rush
Year: 1996

In NB's review of Ali, I said I usually find that I convince myself that I am the character portrayed after watching biopics. Ignoring the obvious psychological worries that this claim raises, it was notable that I didn't feel it at all after watching Shine.

Why? Mainly because... well, it wasn't very interesting. Sure he seems like a good piano player (of which, it has to be said, there are many in this world - mostly in China). And he had a mental illness (again, there are thousands of nutters - do they all deserve biopics?). As a character he was quite uninteresting until his mental sickness starts making him talk in a very odd, but quite likable manner. That's probably more down to the genius of Geoffrey Rushers than Heltzgoff though.

Ok, you're probably all hating me now becuase 'Shine' is one of those films that everyone is supposed to love. But I think the above criticism is fair. As a caveat, let me state that Narry B thought it was exceptionally well made. You can't really beat Geffers for a lead role. His father was very intense. Gielgud was a top class gent without being pretentious. No complaints.

I just didn't think that the story deserved to be a film.

Good!

District 9 (Dodge E. Camembert Review)

Dir: Neill Blomkamp

Starring: Sharlto Copley

Dodge E. Camembert laments the dearth of decent Sci-Fi these days. Where are the 2001s? The Aliens? The Silent Runnings? Where are the ideas? Gone to hell in an overblown, special effects-strewn handcart, that’s where.

After being offered a glimmer of hope in Moon (which Dodge would have reviewed but for an unfortunate accident with a precariously balanced stilton scoop) Dodge went into District 9 hoping for a delicious chevre blanc, but came out having tasted a predictable but still tasty red leicester.

A large part of its charm is the setting. The year is 1982, and a huge alien mothership hovers above Johannesburg. Having cut their way in, a task force beams pictures back showing an emaciated race of bug-like aliens living in appalling conditions. It seems they’re stranded thanks to the loss of a command module, which fell to earth without a trace.

Twenty years later, the aliens have been herded into a slum just outside the South African city, where they’re viewed as second class citizens by humanity. Wikus van de Merwe, a bumbling bureaucrat, is tasked with leading a team to serve notice to the aliens that they’re to be transported to an alternative camp well away from Jo’berg.

It all kicks off, of course, with a number of deaths on both sides and Wikus getting himself infected by an alien substance that begins to transform him into a ‘Prawn’ (a derogatory term for the aliens).

The opening third of the film that sets all this up is shot like a documentary, but the rest of the film is firmly in (relatively) conventional action film territory. It’s a rather odd mix that never quite sits right, but the ensuing fireworks make up for it somewhat.

Dodge is certain that first-time director Blomkamp is a video game fan, as some of the action has definite shades of Half Life 2 and Halo about it. Despite this, the sympathetic lead character, references to Apartheid and distinctly un-American sense of humour marks it out from the usual brainless Hollywood guff.

Uneven, then, but refreshingly different. If you don’t get on with splattery gore, though, you might want to give it a wide berth.

Good!

Michael Jackson's Moonwalker (Smaltz Review)

Dir: 4 Blokes
Starring: MJ
Year: 1988

I’m sure we were all shocked by his death but thankfully there is this little gem of bizarrity to remind us how popular Michael Jackson was around the globe. So big in fact as to have had (pretty much complete) control over a film and get it a mainstream release. To Smaltz’s mind this hadn’t been done since the Beatles Magical Mystery Tour flopped, and no one looks like being able to do it again any time soon.

I must be honest, when my darling wife Helga told me this was a corner stone of her childhood and it is brilliant I was somewhat skeptical. However when someone told me MJ turns into a car, I was sold.

There’s little point describing the plot suffice to say it’s a lot of fun featuring everything from plasticine rabbits riding a Harley-Davidson to Mr Jackson turning into a spaceship. The film is split into two parts. Part one is Anthology and is a compilation of music and fame including one amusing snipe at sensationalist press with the song ‘Stop dogging me around’, the video showing ridiculous headlines, ‘Jackson weds Alien’ being a favourite of Roger P Smaltz.

Part 2: Smooth Criminal is the cinematic side of things with Jackson and two children being chased by the evil Joe Pesci for no real reason. There are lots of Batman/Dick Tracey style shadows with nice cinematography and a great Smooth Criminal dance routine.

This film divides opinions but overall Smaltz was impressed and I suspect Narry would be too, and that ought to be good enough for you, plebs!

Good!

Three Men and a Baby (Smaltz Review)

Dir: Leonard Nimoy

Starring: Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson, That Girl from So I Married an Axe Murderer

Ah eighties family films…don’t you just love them. They really don’t make them like they used to. This ticks just about every box, although it is perhaps a little bit more grown up than say Karate Kid or Mighty Ducks but you get the idea.

Here’s the premise: A cartoonist, an architect and an actor live in a big house enjoying there bachelor lives. Here’s the punch line, hunky actor Danson has fathered a child unknowingly and is filming abroad. His two friends wake up one morning to find a baby on their door step. They are of course completely inept and have no idea what to do with a baby, which generates most of the film's laughs.

To make things worse, when Danson comes home he has been asked to carry over a package which turns out to be drugs. This leads to some comic run-ins with the police, namely Tom Selleck hiding the packet in the babies nappy, and puts our protagonists in danger.

This is the films McGuffin as it creates a false ending. The real drama involves the baby mother coming back as she regrets giving up her baby.

It’s an enjoyable romp with Pi Selleck arguably stealing the film. It never gets too mushy and the real ending is quite tense and moving.

Good

Che Parts 1 and 2 (Dodge E. Camembert Review)

Dir: Steven Soderbergh

Starring: Benicio Del Toro
Year: 2008

Welcome to my first review, citizens! Dodge E. Camembert used to be something of a revolutionary. He marched on Washington in 1962, you know – would you believe they tried to ban Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs? Philistines.

The very same revolutionary spirit pumped through one Ernesto “Che” Guevara from 1928 to 1967. Steven Soderbergh’s Che covers the extraordinary exploits of the man, from his part in the Cuban Revolution to his failed attempt to initiate a similar uprising in Bolivia.

Split into two films, Part One deals with the glory years. We see Che growing from a timid asthmatic academic to a fierce military leader, which is beautifully and subtly handled by Benicio “mumbly Usual Suspect” Del Toro in the lead role.

There’s a little too much jumping around in time - seemingly for the sake of it - and the opening geography lesson is a bit of a bore. But Part One was certainly my favourite of the two, with a stunning climax as Che’s forces take Santa Clara street by street.

After that peak, it’s all downhill for comrade Che in Part Two. Having sneaked into Bolivia in a hilarious middle-aged man disguise, he has to contend with a stronger (US-backed) government, weak-willed subordinates and an indifferent public. It’s almost painful to watch as both the man and the myth crumble before our eyes. Like a drunk and tired Dodge at the Oscars, though, he never loses his dignity.

If Che as a whole lacks one thing, it’s a little soul. As required reading, Dodge would recommend Motorcycle Diaries before settling down with this heavy two-course meal. It provides a welcome dose of context and helps you sympathise with the quiet doctor from Argentina as he fights the good fight.

Rating: Good!

Turtles Are Surprisingly Fast Swimmers

Dir: Satoshi Miki
Starring: Ueno Juri
Year: 2005

This is the second Satoshi Miki that I've seen as I've been drifting off to sleep. I'm not sure if I dreamt half of it or if it was real. It's always hard to tell with Miki's films.

For example, the main character Suzume is bowled over by a cascade of apples in one scene, while in another scene her childhood sweetheart turns out to be wearing a wig, and in another scene she throws a turtle from the 7th floor of an apartment building only to catch it before it lands. It's the mix of the fantastic and the real that make Miki's films so fun.

Turtles has an interesting premise. An everyday person becomes a very normal spy. Her life barely changes when she enters the new profession. And that is its downfall too. The film kind of fizzles out without really taking you anywhere.

What it does have is an excellent ensemble of characters, chiefly the middle-aged couple who are the head spies. Plus, the colourful visual style and an eccentric sense of humour makes for an entertaining 90 mins.

Good!

Borat

Dir: Larry Charles
Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen

Narry B knew the name Larry Charles was familiar when he saw the credits! It's the guy wrote Seinfeld (along with Larry D, and J Seinfeld, of course). I didn't know he was a director, though. Maybe he should stick to writing.

Actually, I thought Borat was really well directed. What let it down was trying too hard. It lost any realism. The naked hotel fight was totally unnecessary and didn't make NB smile. Borat's hometown wasn't very entertaining either. Too obvious. Same for the 'bear in a fridge'.

On the other hand, there are some moments of genius - table tennis with a midget, the rodeo scene was rather good, and the awkward dinner party. Perhaps the highlight was Borat's comedy class - it makes you cringe. I like to cringe.

The highs are high, and the lows are really low.

Rating: Good!

Welcome to Dongmakgol

Dir: Kwang-Hyun Park
Starring: Hye-Jeong Kang, Jae-yeong Jong

Ah, how Narry B loves daft leading ladies. They come no dafter than Yeo-il in Welcome to Dongmakgol. A silly, lovely, airhead of a girl who prances around the valleys of Korea like they're her playground.

The story is quaint, too: During the Korean civil war, two groups of opposing soldiers stumble across a village deep in the mountains. The village is hundreds of years behind the times, unaware that there is even a war.

The naeivety of the villagers gives a chance for some wonderfully childish antics: singing, dancing, silly games, and traditional festivals.

Unfortunately, starring alongside the wonderful Yeo-il is a cliched white guy. I’ll never understand why there are so many awful western actors in asian films. They’re awful! Dongmakgol's wannabe-actor is Steve Taschler - he rivals Natalie Portman for woodenness.

Despite that, Dongmakgol has some magical moments, even if the war theme is a bit too strong and ends up detracting from the wonderment with its overbearing seriousness.

If you’ve ever wanted to see a wild boar being felled in slow motion, now's your chance.

Rating: Good!

A Delicious Way to Kill (Oishii Koroshikata)

Dir: Keralino Sandorovich
Starring: Okina Megumi, Inuyama Inuko

TV films have almost entirely negative connotations in my mind, so I was surprised at how good this Japanese TV drama/comedy was. It had laughs, suspense, and imagination.

Sandorovich is a pretty well-known director who has a quirky sense of style and humour. It carries through well in A Delicious Way to Kill.

A girl who can't keep a steady relationship has her awful cooking skills to blame, so she decides to enrol in a cooking class. Things soon turn nasty, though - cue some bizarre murders, and a rambling investigation by three incompetent women.

A Delicious Way starts off exceptionally well and on an original premise. It quickly leaves behind the girl's desire to cook well and becomes a more straightforward investigation story, however. And that's not all it leaves behind - it also leaves a bit of soul, originality and humour and carries on with a typical, albeit interesting murder inquiry.

There are some moments of comedy genius here (not withstanding the lifted from Woody desert scene), most notably the leading lady's 1980's big glasses. It's a bit overlong at 120 minutes, but it has a good pace and keeps you entertained.

Good!

Tropic Thunder

Dir: Ben Stiller
Starring: Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Jr.

Apparently this film was picketed by mentally handicapped groups because of it's repeated use of the word 'retard'. Thankfully, they didn't get their way cos the funniest thing in Tropic Thunder is the in-film 'Simple Jack' - I'm sure you can guess the rest.

So much was made of Tom Cruise in this film, but NB found him to be annoying, and his dialog to be meaningless. Much more impressive was his sidekick, a Jim Belushi look-a-like (Bill Hader) who delivered some of the funniest lines of the film.

Robert Downey Jr. was also truly excellent. I wasn't expecting much from him, but his role as a black army sergeant is flawless - even when he breaks down and becomes a white man again.

Jack Black feels rather out of character and a bit awkward. Considering he does over-the-top better than anyone else in the world, you have to wonder why they didn't just let him off his leash to go wild. Instead he's quite restrained, although the line 'My ass!' should deservedly go down in cinema history.

Tropic Thunder as a film could have been so much better. Considering Stiller's films are all about overblown, over-the-top stupidity (plus a bit of satire) it can't be that hard to make them. I never thought anyone could learn anything from the Naked Gun series, but Stiller could still pick up some tips from that series when it comes to doing stupidity well.

For all that, it is rather funny, and had Narry B kicking up his heels with laughter in a few places. It's just a bit incosistent - like Starsky and Hutch, Zoolander, etc. etc.

Rating: Good!

Blowup

Dir: Michelangelo Antonionioni
Starring: David Hemmings

Some films get reputations bigger than they deserve (see my review of Chinatown). Blow-up is another of those films. I'd heard good things, but ended up being a bit a bored.

In a film largely about photography, a good soundtrack is essential, especially considering the entire dialog from Blowup takes up about 4 minutes of the film (out of a possible 111 minutes).

That's what's wrong with it, but Blowup also has some merits. Although it is very slow, it takes you to a very interesting place where someone accidentally discovers a crime, but shows almost no interest in it except from an artistic point of view.

Most of the near 2-hour running time, though, is spent watching photos being developed, taken, or viewed. The rest of it is spent showing off some of the 60's top birds - never a bad thing.

The lead character is David Hemmings, a name almost unknown to me before this. I later found out that he spent the 80's directing and acting in such classic series as Magnum P.I. and Airwolf. That's why I didn't know him, then.

He is an amazing actor, though. A bizarre looking fellow, short, weird eyes, odd; perfect for this kind of film. He would have been ideal for A Clockwork Orange's Alex (but, then, so was McDowell), or even as a replacement for Michael Caine as Harry Palmer.

Not the most enjoyable film to watch. If you like your story's slow, and your endings open, your birds from the 60's, and dialog that's almost non-existent, then you'll love Blowup. For Narry Borman, Blowup's alllllrrriigght!

Good!

Get Smart

Dir: Peter Segal
Starring: Steve Carrel, Anne Hathaway

I think every film should have a Bill Murray cameo. In this, he makes a quick entrance as an agent in a tree, but even in films like Dark Knight, or Pan's Labyrinth I think he should make cameos.

Anyway, that's besides the point. Get Smart is not going to shock you. It's a light, throwaway American comedy. Not the greatest of it's genre, but not the worst.

An incoherent plot about nuclear warheads is the premise for Steve Carrel to become a spy. Why are there so many of these fake spy films in recent times? Johnny English, I Spy, even Austin Powers...

Considering Get Smart had a budget of $80m, some of the effects are awful. Truly awful. Especially the doors leading into the headquarters. They look like my nephew drew them on a etch-a-sketch. The cast is quite good, though. Alan Arkin is a top man, and even The Rocks does a good job of comedy. Anne Hathaway is tasty, and Steve Carrel excels in a role slightly different to his usual typecast.

Some funny moments, but nothing to make you cough up your own liver. What would you expect from a film connected to Mel Brooks?

Rating: Good!

A Cheerful Gang Turns the Earth

Dir: Tetsu Maeda
Starring: Koichi Sato, Takao Osawa

Have you ever been really disappointed by a film? Most likely it was when the live action version of your favourite comic wasn't as good as you hoped, or when a sequel just didn't match the original (damn you, The Sting 2!), or possibly when you'd read such good things about a film and had such respect for the staff and stars of a film that you built yourself into a frenzish fever that the movie couldn't possibly live up to.

Well, A Cheerful Gang was none of those things for me. But I was left disappointed - it starts so well, and then falls flat on its face after having tied its own shoelaces together. The early part of the film introduces us to a cheerful gang of bank robbers - larger than life but human at the same time. An exciting and interesting bank robbery takes place followed by a dramatic twist - the robbers get robbed.

And then things get boring because they try to rob the robbers, and then they try to set up the robbers, and then they make a really convoluted plan using a criminal mastermind, but all the time someone's watching them, and the police are in on it too... throw in a few kidnappings and a truly dull romantic story and you have A Cheerful Gang. Plus the plot is more holey than St. Augustine.

Koichi Sato is always gonna be fun to watch (check out The Magic Hour for more Sato greatness), and the visual style of the film is quite entertaining. But the story... the story! It tries way too hard, when something simple would have been so much fun. Too bad.

Rating: Good!